BCCTWB

Given the nature of my circumstances, I’ve become incredibly focused on the concept of control. I started this draft with plenty to share and say, but as per usual, being on a computer led me to Google. And Google led me to a number of “control” based articles, links & images. And the volume of results forced my brain to seek out the proper definition of control before I spiraled into a post about gun control (don’t get me started) or the incredibly popular action-adventure game, Control. Anyhow, the objective internet sites said…

• Merriam-Webster
  • control (verb) –
    • to exercise restraining or directing influence over : REGULATE
    • to have power over : RULE
  • control (noun) –
    • an act or instance of controlling
      • also : power or authority to guide or manage
    • skill in the use of a tool, instrument, technique, or artistic medium
    • the regulation of economic activity especially by government directive —usually used in plural
    • the ability of a baseball pitcher to control the location of a pitch within the strike zone
• Oxford English Dictionary
  • control (verb) –
    • To exercise power or authority over; to determine the behaviour or action of, to direct or command; to regulate or govern.
  • control (noun) –
    • The fact or power of directing and regulating the actions of people or things; direction, management; command. Also occasionally: an instance of this.
• Dictionary.com
  • control (verb) –
    • to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command
    • to hold in check; curb
  • control (noun) –
    • the act or power of controlling; regulation; domination or command
    • the situation of being under the regulation, domination, or command of another

Now, I understand that’s a lot to read and quite boring for those who feel intelligent enough to define control (present company included). BUT, I cannot lie, reading through these made me feel a number of emotions: rage; angst for our local and global societies; humor (baseball strike zones?? Is that really dictionary worthy???); and, most importantly, confident in my assessment of how bullshit the concept of control really is.

I’ve always been sort of Type A and wee bit controlling. This has applied to everything in my life – my (our) home; my (our) social plans; my immediate family’s plans; my (our) bills & spending; my attempts at deciding on life long plans for the girls (jk, this is really an “our” because of the required parental compromise). This level of control has always felt good to me, and that’s honestly been the case, to my fault, despite the impact it had or the amount of people it ticked off. This is because OBVIOUSLY I’m always right (maybe that’s a separate post…)

So, given my thoughts and feelings around “control” – let’s go with the Oxford English Dictionary verb definition – the lack of control I’ve had over life overall fills me with rage. Of course this control deficit is presented by a number of life circumstances, for all humans, businesses and leaders. And in hindsight I recognize that. But, my diagnosis has highlighted that deficit and increased my focus on maintaining a level of “control” – let’s go with the Dictionary.com noun here – wherever possible.

Much of this has resulted in very self-driven changes to and for me – tattoo(s), hair chop and color, attire (lovin’ the current comfy trend!!), home decor and organization, maintaining public journal entries (get it…??) etc. etc. A lot of people don’t understand, respect or believe in some of my decisions, but they’ve been incredibly therapeutic for me.

I’ve also found myself leaning into my own version of “the universe.” For many of you, the equivalent would be some version of God or another Holy Spirit. Given the guilt or shame or frustration associated with control, or lack there of, having a … whatever you want to call it to lean into and/or blame, is wonderful. So often I find myself coming to the realization that something has not gone the way I anticipated, and immediately blame myself. For example, my current self-blame hovers in my past life, and that I was clearly someone pretty ridiculous and news-worthy to be in the position I’m in now. I know it’s a bit silly BUT what I will say is that it’s part of my “oh, well it wasn’t all me” bouquet. I truly believe that digging into many life situations illuminates a lack of full control, which can reduce the intensity of self-blame.

ANYWAYS, because I haven’t written enough, a summary of my thoughts on the whole thing are summarized below. Take what you will, adjust what you want, just remember to always Keep It Positive (KIP!).

• The Good – finding a way to implement finite control is a glorious thing. As someone who has felt in control for so long, now that I’m not, finding the little things that I can actually 100% control has been a huge benefit for me. I’d argue this concept could benefit others (moms anyone???), too. It may seem silly but having an outcome that meets your expectations – even if it’s running out for food and finding a lot of your list on sale – provides a measure of controlled completion that brings feelings of positivity and good juju. Nothing like successfully checking something off the list.
• The Bad – the ability to control your overarching life structure is limited at best. You can continue to believe that your actions fully control outcomes (good or bad outcomes that is), but in my not so humble opinion, it’s just not that simple. And that sucks. Per my note above, I tend to lean into the universe and its guidance for support in these scenarios. Others choose religious support. Whatever it is for you, having a source to pivot your blame to, or take good feelings from, is an incredibly useful resource when life deals the shitty hand.
• The Ugly – I’m going to go a bit political here. I’d argue at this stage a lot of what I see as an ugly side to control is our inability, as individual humans, to help steer the ship our leaders captain. It is legitimately ugly to me – the way humans treat one another, the way societies conflict with one another. It’s just sad. As a woman who has been through a whole world of shit, the efforts some “powerful” individuals make to control other peoples’ incredibly personal choices is the most appalling. And so ugly.

Hugs and booses until next time…

#BCCTWB

PS – this was drafted over the last several days, but happened to be ready and published as I was continuing to take active, successful control over a component of my life… @bobbyg______ (easy hangman if you know me!)

PPS – I anticipate that my sister will read the PS above and having not been informed of my afternoon plans, she will text me some version of “OMG you’re out of control,” one of her favorite comments to me. And maybe some sort of psychic, third-eye capability she’s had for our entire lives – to highlight that in so many aspects I’m just out of control… maybe…